Ali has been away

I'm happy to be able to say that my mental health is now giving me a bit of a break and I'm able to think clearly again. In short, I feel like I'm back in my brain. Which probably sounds a bit odd but until you actually experience it for yourself, you have no idea what it's like to have your mind taken over, invaded, I suppose, by thoughts that aren't your own. It's horrible, you know you're still 'in there' somewhere, but you just can't reach yourself, you're completely swamped. It's scary, it's overwhelming and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You know that phrase 'wherever you go, you always take yourself with you?' Well that describes my experiences almost perfectly. It didn't matter where I went, what I tried to do, who I talked to or how I tried to distract myself, the weird brain crap was still there, clawing away. As it comes from within, there's nothing that the external world can really do to take it away. Activities could distract me, briefly, but I found I could never outrun it all by keeping busy.  Every now and again, "I" would make an appearance but it was never long before I was dragged back into it and I went missing again. Horrible. I honestly wondered if I'd ever be my usual self again.

I've got a lot to do in the next few months, making up for lost time at work, reconnecting with people I've avoided (sorry, everyone) and generally setting right a few wrongs. I'm now reacquainted with the mental health service but it's too early to say whether that's a good thing or how long it'll last. I'm keen to make it as short lived as possible. On a positive note, my psychiatrist is a fan of talking therapy so I shouldn't find myself simply drugged and then indefinitely parked. We'll see.

I managed to write a hefty article the other day on what would be, to most people, an incredibly tedious subject. It helped me prove to myself that I could still think (and write), even if it also showed that my brain is still abit tilted, as no sane person would write about that stuff and actually enjoy it. So a sincere "welcome back" to my regular brain and to anyone I've ignored, avoided or generally treated differently, I'm sorry. I've been away...