Summer musings

What a strange few months it's been for all of us. Following recommendations from their kidney consultant, the boys have been shielding since schools were closed at the end of March. It's been really tough for my eldest. At 16 he's more independent and wanting to get out and about under his own steam. His GCSE exams were cancelled this summer and his social life has been a complete non event. Not what you want when you're 16. 

None of this has remotely bothered my youngest. By his own admission he's a happy homebody who finds social interaction stressful. No school for several months is something of a dream come true! He's done online school work, but he's loved having a lie in every morning. It'll be a shock to return to real life school in September...

I've read about how people with mental health difficulties have struggled during the lockdown. I must be an exception because generally speaking, I've been ok. That's not to say I haven't had my wobbly moments, but I wouldn't say it's been any more than I'd have had under ordinary circumstances. 

One area where I've really struggled though is sleep. This is important for me because ongoing poor sleep often leads to a mental health relapse. I fall asleep ok, but then I'm awake just two or three hours later. And when I say awake, I mean wide awake and ready to get up. Which is pretty inconvenient when it's 2 or 3am. Obviously, the next day I'm absolutely knackered. My psychiatrist referred me to an online 'sleep hygiene' workshop (yuck, I absolutely hate that term!) It was a couple of hours of them stating the obvious and suggesting I do what I already do, so it wasn't exactly helpful. I was given the grand total of 3 Zopiclone tablets last time I asked for chemical help and they don't work particularly well for me anyway. So yes, sleep is an ongoing battle, but apart from that I think I'm doing ok. 

The boys are generally well. They haven't had a kidney appointment since January so we don't know how they are fareing on the renal front, but their hearing is holding up ok. They are soon to be getting fancy new hearing aids as well, so that's good. 

Kuro had the grand total of 25 teeth out at the vets last week. Poor lad, he's been through quite a lot in the two years since we adopted him. He's doing ok though, he's eating fine and doesn't seem to mind being a toothless wonder. 

I lost two friends during the past few weeks. One was an ostensibly extremely fit and healthy 50 year old woman, the kind of person who runs marathons and jogs up mountains! So learning that she had died suddenly was a massive shock. Her name was Roxanne. 

My other friend, whose name was Tom, had been ill for some time with glioblastoma, a rare but deadly kind of cancer that affects the brain and spinal cord. Tom was married to a very dear friend of mine and although we knew he was terminally ill, his death at the age of 30 was still a shock to the system. Thankfully I haven't attended the funerals of many young people, so it was an extremely sobering experience. It may sound trite, but I'd say if you love someone, let them know because none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. 

That's a very sober note on which to leave you, but I suppose my friends' deaths have made me appreciate people all the more.  

Love to you all and I'll see you soon x

 

Lockdown blues

I'm writing this in the middle of the second week of lockdown thanks to the Coronavirus. As of this week, my family and I (and don't I just sound like the queen there?) Are at home, restricted to just walking the dog a couple of times a day. We are more restricted than most because my sons have kidney disease thanks to Alport Syndrome. Their consultant wrote to us, advising a minimum of 12 weeks shielding.

The first few days weren't too bad really. Being at home together gave us a slight sense of being on holiday. There's been no school for the boys for a couple of weeks now, albeit they have online learning to do. GCSEs have been cancelled for this summer, so the set revision feels a bit pointless.

It started to feel strange after week one. We've now had two weekends of not going anywhere and not seeing anybody, which is very much out of the ordinary. We've almost run out of things to say to one another, because none of us have been anywhere. It's surprised me how much of our conversation revolves around our activities outside of the house. James is still working from home, so five days a week he's downstairs in the office. The Xbox and PlayStation are also downstairs, which means the boys can't play on them during the day. This is probably a good thing, given the ongoing parental quest to reduce screen time. 

Teenagers tend not to want to hang out with their parents and my boys are no exception. They seem to appear at meal times and then vanish again. They boot me out of the living room every so often so they can watch something they want on the big TV, or I bump into them during one of their many kitchen raids. Communication is usually perfunctory. They haven't seen their friends in person for a few weeks now, but they are enjoying chatting to them online and playing online games in the evening. My eldest lad said to me the other day 'I bet you're glad there wasn't a pandemic in the 80s before you had the internet.' Perish the thought...

I'm not generally the kind of person who feels bored. I can usually find a way to amuse myself and my love of listening to music keeps me going when nothing else will help. This week though, I've felt an oppressive sense of time moving at glacial speed. At times I've felt restless, unmotivated and generally in a slump. I've been bored, but couldn't be bothered finding anything to do. There were a million things I *could* do, if only I could be arsed. I couldn't find it in me to be arsed, though. 

When you live with a mental health problem, it doesn't give you time off just because there's a global pandemic. As annoying as it is and as much as I wish it wasn't so, I'm still a mental. So when I can't be bothered to do the garden, or making a meal feels like it's just too much, I never know whether that feeling is down to simple lockdown inertia or whether I'm starting to become depressed. Same with the ever present anxiety that's in the air. Surely it's reasonable to feel anxious at the moment though? 

I'm still getting up early, getting dressed and putting on a bit of make up every day. Not because I'm going anywhere, but to give myself a sense of normality. I feel a strange sense that I no longer exist. Almost as though I only exist when I'm out and about and that when I'm hidden away, I'm nothing. It's an odd feeling. Like everyone else, I've no idea what the next few weeks has in store for me. I'm hopeful that we can avoid becoming ill and that we don't lose our minds during lockdown. 

Sending you all my best wishes and good luck for the next few weeks. I look forward to catching up with you soon.