GREEN

Have you ever received cryptic messages beamed directly into your mind from an unknown source? That's what's been going on for me this week.

I started receiving messages that I can only describe as "green" because they were totally beyond language. I realise this will sound totally bizarre to you, but it was like the messages were being transmitted like a television programme, but I was the only person on the right frequency to receive them. They were made up of symbols and sounds which, try as I might, I was unable to recognise.

Green was very, very odd. I called it green because I felt a sense of peacefulness and relaxation when the messages arrived. I felt compelled to understand the messages, but was completely unable to decode them. I knew this was a shame because I had a sense that they were very important. I needed to keep listening, watching and trying to understand, but it was difficult because the messages were beyond human language.

Earlier in the week, I began thinking that other people could read my thoughts. I began to believe that I was transparent, that my every thought and belief was visible. Then I started thinking that someone or something was putting thoughts into my head without my permission. Some thoughts were inserted and others were removed, leaving me feeling very confused about which ones were truly 'mine.'

I started having extremely detailed thoughts about disappearing. Without having consciously considered it, I now had an extremely detailed (and potentially workable) plan. I then began to believe that the 'running away' thoughts were one of the things put there by someone else, so it all felt very strange, as though my mind was fighting itself.  

I felt otherwise completely well, with no depressive symptoms, so I didn't believe it when my care coordinator told me these thoughts were as a result of my illness, that I was actually having a psychotic episode.

A few days since then, after plenty of rest and minimal stress, I can see that yes, these thoughts were a bit odd. My mind somehow created 'green,' as well as the other thoughts that I believed were somehow being beamed in from outside. Which, when I think about it, is a pretty amazing thing for my mind to do. What a shame it doesn't do useful things, like helping me learn another language, or giving me this week's lottery numbers.

I'm now recovering and taking it easy. Trying to avoid stress, including online stress. I'm avoiding the news and, as much as possible, all political discussion. I've temporarily muted things like Brexit, so my timeline is once again full of people and things I enjoy.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend.

Ali x