Schizoaffected

I have a shiny new diagnosis. Schizoaffective Disorder, depressive type. Rather than attempt to define it myself, I'll quote the Royal College of Psychiatrists when they say:

"This is a disorder of the mind that affects your thoughts and emotions, and may affect your actions. You may experience episodes that are combinations of both 'psychotic' symptoms and 'bipolar disorder' symptoms."

In practical terms, this means I have episodes of psychosis, similar to those in schizophrenia, ie muddled thoughts, hallucinations and delusions, along with depressive symptoms.

To help manage the symptoms of psychosis and stabilise my mood, I take anti psychotic medication. To counteract the depression, I take anti depressants. The side effects of these drugs can be hard to live with. I've had to put up with weight gain, increased risk of heart problems, a general 'flattening' of my mood so that I often feel numb and a general cognitive decline - I'm nowhere near as mentally 'quick' as I once was. Is it worth it? At the moment, yes, because unmedicated, I'm at risk of following orders from the voices I hear in my head. These orders are always destructive and dangerous.

Unfortunately, I've had to give up my professional Doctorate in Counselling Psychology (the second PhD I've started but been unable to complete). I'm unable to work at the moment. My ability to be a good parent, wife, friend and so on has been severely affected. In short, I now struggle with many of the things I used to take for granted.

However, I'm still me! I'm trying to find a way to live with my symptoms that gives me and my family a decent quality of life. It's not easy, but I know I'll get there. I'm still wrangling with the reality that this is (probably) a lifelong condition but I'm trying to focus on managing it, so that my episodes are as short and as few and far between as possible.

I don't think of myself as ill, I think of myself as having an unusual kind of brain. In this respect, I depart from my psychiatrist and several of my family and friends. Ok I have a different way of thinking about my difficulties but ultimately, the treatment is exactly the same.

My focus is first to get myself stabilised to achieve a decent quality of life. Then I can work on being able to be a better parent, wife, friend and so on. And finally, once those things have been achieved, I can hopefully look at returning to work.

Apologies to those of you I've neglected during the last couple of years. Things haven't been easy and to make matters worse, I haven't really been able to explain what was going on. I just kept waiting, hoping that I'd get "better." Now that I know exactly what I'm up against, I feel I'm in with a fighting chance of getting myself back on an even keel and really getting back into life.

Finally, if you're reading this and are living with mental health difficulties of your own, please know you have my utmost respect.

Love to you all,

Ali xxxxx ❤️