My problem is not your problem

Having a mental health problem is a bit like being pregnant; people just love to appropriate your experience. Sometimes people talk about what’s happened to them as a means of showing solidarity, which I quite like, as long as it’s not assumed that my experience will automatically be the same. Unfortunately though, all too often this spills over into advice-giving. Oh yes *rolls eyes* people just love to offer their wisdom, whether or not it’s asked for. There’s often an agenda, whether the person realises it or not. Sometimes the agenda is explicit – “you know, things would work out so much better for you if you just…”or “if you try (whatever it is they happen to believe works).” That kind of thing. Unsurprisingly, I have a few things to say on this subject. Firstly, unsolicited ‘advice’ is unwelcome because, well, it’s unsolicited. If I want advice, I’ll ask for it, thank you very much. To assume I am in need of help or advice feels patronising, as though you don’t have confidence in my abilities to source the right kind of help or do what works for me. For all the other person knows, I might be doing it already, have already tried and rejected that approach or simply have enough ideas of my own, thanks. Such ‘helpful’ interventions assume all manner of things that the self-appointed advisor probably doesn’t know, but most importantly, it makes me ask “whose mental health is this?” Because last time I looked, it was mine. More than one ‘helpful’ person has asked me what medication I’m on, or what dose. And they have the temerity to act all offended when I tell them that’s my business. I know it’s well-meaning and I know you “just want to help,” but rather than impose your ideas on others, why not ask “is there anything I can do to help?” Or maybe, you know, offer your services as a listener. The details of my life are not up for discussion unless I choose to make them so. Just because something worked for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for me, or that I necessarily want to try it. I don’t need to be rescued; all I ask is that people be there for me if I need them and maybe just check how I’m getting on from time to time. If I want to talk, I will.