I am seeing my new psychiatrist tomorrow.
Inspired by this meeting, I've been pondering my mental health situation. I was thinking that in general terms, I've come a long way regarding accepting that I am ill with a chronic and serious mental health problem. I no longer think that every time I relapse, it will be the last time it ever happens, or that once I'm managing ok again, that I'm automatically 'better.'
I realise that with schizoaffective disorder, there may be no such thing as 'better, ' it's more likely to be about management and living as good a life as possible. I think I've finally accepted this. That doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated, even angry sometimes about it, but it does mean I've largely moved away from denial, which sustained me for some time.
What I haven't done (yet) is successfully worked out my own patterns of relative illness versus wellbeing, or confidently identified what will help or hinder. I usually know whether an event or activity will be useful in the short term (ie is likely to boost my mood), but I haven't yet worked out the effect of doing these things (or not doing them) on the bigger picture of my wider mental health. I should really keep a kind of mood diary, although ideally I'd like one that allowed me to record more than mood alone. There's probably something out there already, maybe an app. I'll look into that.
One thing I would say is that some people in my life are, I feel, very pessimistic about my situation. It's frustrating because they can be real nay-sayers about my ability to 'do stuff.' A good example would be last night's gig. They were being a bit 'I'm not sure whether you should go.' The thing is, it's not unreasonable to ASK ME whether I feel well enough to cope with a gig but telling me they don't think I should go is unhelpful - and not just because I didn't invite opinions! It feels sometimes as though they are trying to further limit my already fairly limited enjoyment of life. I know they're doing it out of care and concern, which I appreciate, but it honestly feels sometimes as though they think I should stay in every night and never go out and enjoy myself, all as a means of 'protecting' my mental health.
My argument against this (for me) far too conservative approach is that me going out and 'doing stuff' is an attempt to reclaim something of myself *for* myself. Without these infrequent yet admittedly potentially illness-inducing joys, I *might* experience better overall mental health. However, my life would be considerably less enjoyable and colourful as a result. Which would, ironically, lead to worsening mental health!
You might be reading this and having a bit of sympathy for the nay-sayers. I wouldn't blame you because I do too. After all they (and I!) want the same thing, for me to be as well as possible. They don't want to see me hospitalised again or seriously unwell and I don't want that for myself either. What I do want to achieve is some balance in my life, so that I can do *some* of the fun stuff and also remain as well as possible.
My care coordinator reminded me that with a condition such as mine, there's some degree of unpredictability about it. Yes lifestyle, stress and so on definitely have an impact, but so does the 'cycle.' Apparently it's not realistic to think about eliminating *all* periods of being unwell, perhaps instead it's about minimising them. On a positive note, it's also not unreasonable to see people whose symptoms are in remission for many months, even years.
All of this stuff is food for thought and prompts me to have a few questions for the doctor tomorrow. On the subject of the over caution about what I do, people are at least showing care and concern for me. It would just be nice if they'd trust my judgement, instead of assuming they know better than I do!
