Last time I posted, I wasn't feeling at my best. Happily, I'm now much, much better. As you might remember, I paused my doctorate for a year and took a bit of time out to get myself well again. A few months of rest and self care has made a huge difference; I'm happier, healthier and enjoying life.
I've joined a choir and a creative writing group and been spending a lot of time with friends and family, including my trusty sidekick, Barney (greyhound, for those of you who don't know!) These things have all done wonders for my mental health and probably my physical health too.
I'm slowly learning about my limitations, which has been one of the hardest things to get used to. Pre-burnout me used to take on far too much and pile on the pressure. I've learned to my cost that I can't do that any more. I'm hoping that this knowledge will help me find a healthy balance between activity and rest.
It's unlikely that I'll return to the doctorate. Not because I don't want to, but because on balance it's probably not the right choice for me, health-wise. I've learned that wanting to do something doesn't necessarily make doing that thing realistic. Another tough life lesson, when I used to think that I could achieve pretty much anything I put my mind to.
Having a mental health problem has taught me a number of things about myself. I won't list them all here as it would make for boring reading, but to me they're important and useful things. There's nothing like coming up against your own capabilities to make you reassess your priorities. At first, I felt angry, frustrated and defeated when I wasn't able to achieve the things I wanted. Now, in place of the anger, frustration and defeat, I feel acceptance. I'm wondering whether a little humility might have shown itself too, because I've recognised that we aren't the sum total of our achievements, that we are valuable for just being. In the past, I'd talk the talk in this respect but that was always whilst 'achieving.' It was a bit like when a beautiful person says that looks don't matter. Now that I'm not achieving (or not in the conventional sense), I've come to really believe it.
I still have ambitions and hopes, of course. I don't know whether my ambitions will take me anywhere, but I think it's good to have them as things to work towards. In short, life is good and I'm generally happy. I'll hopefully be starting a volunteering role soon, helping to improve the quality of life of older people in my area.
On the family front, I'm happy to say that things are also going well. The boys are *very* deaf, but their hearing aids do a fantastic job. Their kidneys are holding up pretty well. Joe, being the older of the two, is showing signs of kidney disease but he's on medication to protect them and keep them going for as long as possible. We are hopeful that both the boys will be able to see out their education before the need for transplants.
All told, I have no complaints. I'm lucky. If you're reading this, I hope that you're well and happy too.
