Think yourself happy?

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm an optimistic person. I tend to look on the bright side. You might think, then, that I'd be a fan of 'the power of positivity.' Not so much. Here are a few thoughts as to why. 

I recently found some paperwork from one of my hospital stays. It was something called the 'Recovery Star.' One arm of the star was optimistically titled "trust and hope." One line in particular stood out. It said : "think happy thoughts!" So there I was, clinically depressed in hospital, exhorting myself to think like a happy person. "Was this really the right approach?" I asked myself. 

You see, to me, "think happy thoughts" is synonymous with the idea that we should be 'battling,' 'fighting' or 'striving to overcome' adversity in health. The same language seems to be used whether that adversity is cancer or depression, to name but two. Yet this kind of thinking isn't applied to all health issues. You don't hear about positive thinking mending a broken leg, do you? 

Encouraging people to 'think themselves happy' implies that we have a choice and suggests we could rise above depression, if only we employed a bit of positive thinking. I am yet to meet a person with depression who would agree with this statement. Surely, if this were true, there would be no such thing as depression in the first place. To imply choice in response to trauma and distress suggests a distinct lack of understanding when it comes to human suffering. 

Telling ourselves to think positively when we feel the absolute opposite actively encourages us to be incongruent. It encourages us to push down the reality of how badly we feel, when doing so is perhaps one of the reasons we feel so terrible in the first place.  

To me, 'think yourself happy' veers dangerously close to 'pull yourself together' territory. It puts the responsibility for wellness (or conversely, illness) in the hands of the very person who's suffering, as though a person's own 'faulty cognitions' are the very reason why they are struggling. Guilt about being unable to think themselves happy is unlikely to help any person in distress. And when we aren't able to harness the power of positive thought, when our distress or trauma is so deep that no amount of positive thinking helps, have we "failed?" Similar to patients who are said to have "lost their battle" with cancer, have people with depression who fail to 'think happy' lost their battle? What hope for them then? 

People hurt. Terrible things happen. To respond from a place of pain is a perfectly legitimate response. Privileging an "I've got over it, so can you" narrative is arguably a way of de-legitimising people's understandable pain and suffering, a way of seeking to erase it from existence. Perhaps this is because we are so uncomfortable with others' pain? 

I'm not for one moment suggesting that sadness is good, that there is nobility in suffering. I'm simply saying that sadness, grief, trauma and despair are all part of the human condition. It's not for others to tell us to 'think ourselves happy' and maybe we could think about giving ourselves a break when we aren't able to manage it. 

Positive psychology has its place and positive thinking can be immensely helpful in times of strife. Sometimes it's all we have to keep us going! My concern is when 'thinking yourself happy' becomes a panacea for all our psychic ills, because a positive spin on life's events doesn't stop shit from happening or fix the underlying problem.  

Family matters

Whilst writing my blog post this morning, it occurred to me that I haven't mentioned the boys in quite a while so here's the latest. 

Things are generally going well. Both boys are now severely deaf and they cope so well with this, thanks to the wonders of technology. Their hearing aids do a fantastic job and at school they use radio aids. They've also developed amazing lip reading skills, so gone are the days when I could get away with whispering to James whilst they're in the room! 

Kidney wise, things are stable. Joe takes medication to protect his kidneys from further damage and this is working well. Yes he has reduced kidney function but the decline is slow and within what's expected for a boy of his age. Evan's kidneys are holding up well, so he doesn't need to take medication as yet. We are now on six monthly check ups with all the specialists involved and they book double appointments for both lads; a lot more manageable than them seeing each specialist separately, every three months.

In other news, we now know that Evan is on the autism spectrum, with Aspergers. This explains a lot as Evan has always been different to the average boy of his age (in lots of good ways!) It took a long time for the doctors to disentangle the deafness and autism stuff, because they are both in play at the same time. Getting a diagnosis has been helpful from the point of view of understanding Evan and helping him to understand himself, but less helpful in terms of support because unfortunately there isn't much available. 

In general, both boys are doing really well. Joe has just chosen his options for year 9 and Evan is about to finish primary school, so will be joining his brother at high school in September. Joe has a brilliant social life through high school, so we are hoping Evan will blossom in a similar way. Evan is still playing the drums and has recently added the trumpet to his musical repertoire.  

We will be moving house any day now, so that's our main focus at the moment. Just a few short weeks now until the school holidays - we can't wait to spend them in a house with a garden!