This is my first blog post this year!
I've been wanting to write for a while, but I found myself with a stubborn case of writer's block. What follows is a stream of consciousness, rather rough post about how I feel my brain has changed whilst taking anti psychotic medication.
Some of the differences between my meducated brain and its non medicated counterpart are difficult to quantify because they are inner ones, so they don't translate into outward behaviour change. A good example would be the relative suppression and quietness of my imagination and inner mental life on the meds. When I'm well and unmedicated, my imagination leaps about and grabs my attention, intruding into my daily life in surprising ways. I might be sorting out the washing and suddenly my mind will present me with, say, an eloquent and perfectly coherent response to a newspaper article. I might invent a gadget, or solve an imaginary crossword while creating a meal planner for the following week. Doing several tasks at once used to be my forte. That kind of thing simply doesn't happen in my medicated brain because I've got enough on my plate focusing on whatever task is in hand. I can no longer engage in ridiculous flights of fancy or fantasy. It feels as though a chemical limit has been imposed on my mental activity.
My speed of thought is considerably slower on the meds and I'm much less "present." My focus and concentration have been seriously affected, as has my cognition in general. It's no surprise that completing my PhD became an impossibility.
My personality has significantly altered, too. I mean I'm still recognisable as "me," but I'm much, much quieter. Less light hearted. I struggle to see the humour in things I used to find hilarious. My whole character is muted. I no longer sparkle. I seek company much less often, preferring to be solitary. I struggle with talking to people I don't know well, something that never used to be a problem. I have become a ghost on social media, whereas I used to be chatty and outgoing.
How much of this is down to the medication and how much springs from being unwell, I don't know. I'm hopeful that it's the former because I'd hate to think that the changes were permanent. I can come off medication, after all.
Having mental health troubles for the last three years has severely dented my confidence, both as a person and in my abilities. Losing my PhD was a big factor in this, although I have no doubt that leaving it was the right decision at the time. At the moment, I don't have anything in my life to replace it, so now that I'm starting to feel a little better, I'm also feeling directionless and lost.
I told my psychiatrist about my perceived limitations on thinking and speed of thought and he looked at me as though I was, well, mad. It was as though I should feel grateful for being able to function at all. And from a mental health services perspective, I can see it's "job done" because I'm no longer acutely unwell. Yet true wellness, for me, would mean being able to resume activities similar to those I took for granted in my pre-illness state.
I wonder whether my wish to recapture my pre-breakdown faculties is a bit of a 'first world problem.' Then I remember that the brain is what makes us who we are. Altering the way my brain works with strong medication has changed who I am. I think that was the right choice while I was acutely unwell, but now I'm starting to feel better, I'm looking forward to a meds free future.
