The way things are

I haven't written a blog post in many months. Much of the time I've lacked all motivation and simply been too unwell to concentrate on writing. That period has, I hope, come to an end. 

I've recently reduced my anti psychotic medication and I can feel my motivation flooding back. This is incredibly welcome. I've always been a busy, active kind of person but during the last two to three years I've been sluggish, lethargic, slow. My brain has been crowded with noise and clamour, my thought processes like glue. I almost forgot what it was like to think about anything other than the day to day. The medication softened the voices and visions but it did so at a heavy cost. Now, slowly, painstakingly, my brain is emerging from the fog, like dinosaur bones spat out of a glacier after several thousand years. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel alive and full of promise. I want to grab hold of this feeling and hold it close, in case it escapes. 

Consider yourselves warned!

Our lives take us down so many pathways; some turn out to be blind alleys, whereas others become wider and grander, tree lined and fruitful. I could have been a counsellor, an insurance broker or an academic; each were possibilities at one time or another. But in the end, writing drew me to its heart. I've always dabbled with the written word, albeit haphazardly; a blog post here and an essay there, perhaps. Despite positive feedback, it never occurred to me that I had a particular talent for it and making a living from my writing seemed about as likely as being accepted by NASA as a would-be astronaut.

A conversation with a friend has changed all that. From now on, I'm going to write. This is me going public with my intent to write a book. It'll almost certainly be non fiction but that's about all I know at the moment. Exciting, yes, but also a little scary.

If you're reading this and thinking "she's delusional," you may possibly be right. But I'll never know unless I try. I know the odds are stacked against me, especially as I know next to nothing about the practicalities, I just write. Quite often, the words write themselves and it's almost a supernatural experience. Nobody has yet been able to explain how this happens, least of all me. I realise that there's a big leap from 'fortysomething failed PhD student and occasional blogger' to 'writer' but we all have to start somewhere. So this is me, starting.

Goodbye to all that

Well folks, my PhD career is officially over. I'm sorry to say that my wobblesome mental health led to me officially withdrawing from my studies this week. I realised I couldn't give my PhD the kind of attention it required because I was too busy looking after myself and trying to get well. Like most things in life, I reckon a PhD is only worth doing if it's done well and sadly, the standard of my academic work was slipping. I wasn't happy about doing substandard work and decided, on reflection, that I'd rather give it another go at a time when I can give my academic work its full attention.

This decision has been several months in the making and has the full backing of my academic supervisors. It's sad in a way as I started out doing so well but as academics are fond of saying, a PhD is a marathon not a sprint and I just couldn't maintain the high standard required once my health got in the way. 

I realise that many people lose a lot more than a PhD opportunity thanks to ill health, but it's been a significant loss for me and I'm, well, I'm gutted. I'm also a bit confused and bewildered about what to do next - my passion is mental health but I'm unsure about my next steps  in this area.  

On the plus side, taking a step back from academia means I can make my own mental health the priority, along with focusing on family life. (And yes, I realise that I sound a bit like a resigning politician here - "I'm stepping down to spend more time with my family!") But it's true, there's plenty going on with my family at the moment - good stuff, mainly - so I won't be short of things to do whilst I'm deciding what to do next.